It's Getting Dark!

Two months have passed, and I'm starting to feel DARK, you know angry, pissed off, alone all that shit, I'm just not diggn' it at all. I know I'm in a PHASE, grief, and have no idea how long it will last. Like last month, all i could do from all out crying explosions was try to think of something else, but her gorgeous blue eyes would pop into my head, or remembering my last big "I F__KEN LOVE YOU KISS" kinda kiss with groping, and all! It's been awhile, i almost can't remember, am i starting to loose some memory of good times, i don't f__ken know, i am so pissed, and just down right angry, like i want to start shit w/someone! Your probably thinking no don't, what if? That's what I'm saying, i don't give a f--k right know, I like, want to turn the amperage up on my brain output, and see things for how they really are, not like I'm on some testosterone/steroid infusion high. I really believe it's my brain releasing endorphins for me to cope w/the trauma my son and i experienced that night, pulling my wife to the ground, and starting CPR, yelling at her to "wake the f__k up please", over and over for what seemed like an eternity, all in front of my son, how f__ked up is that. I imagine I hurt deep, real deep, because the pain is overwhelming at times, but I'm never off my watch, ever, this is our second son, and not the first time raising a child, I think I'm a great F__ken Dad. This Phase I'm in will to pass, when? What phase is next? I'm not destructive, that's just not an option on my watch, no f__ken way.

I was emailing back and forth w/a friend I met on eBay. She and her family are very spiritual, so she was emailing me awesome quotes from famous writers throughout our history, and best of all Hand Picked Scripture. I never looked her up on the internet for any pictures, i didn't care, she gave me hope, faith and encouragement for at least a couple of weeks, but i had to tell her recently that basically theirs a storm a coming, I'm it, and i will just chew her up and spit her kind hearted ass out....................I just told her that "I can take it from here", "you helped me get back on my feet", "thank you"!, you see, I saw the F__ken train coming, and I didn't, I'm mean, I didn't want to hurt this BEAUTIFUL WOMEN, whom I only knew from her emails. I had to leave her to her Beautiful Family. I have sense, almost "Hyper" sometimes, a little spooky. Thats whats up with me.................Don't worry, I'll say hello to her again, just not in this F__ked up stage......